(push, pull. they dance together even at odds, even as they compete, logic against emotion. spock draws nearer and kirk has half a mind to match it until they are chest to chest, robbed of any possibility of escape. instead, he remains where he is, wondering if he should have appealed to him in a practical way or slowed down long enough to get the finer details straight. it proves how enduringly human he is no matter the circumstance, because he can't do what his vulcan first officer can.
he's only now fighting and failing to cope with the inner conflict spock has had to face every day of his life. in light of this, he's chosen what his next answer has to be.)
We've never been at war, you and I. Yes, we've had our disagreements and fought, but never in a way that couldn't be resolved. Putting intellect and intuition aside, that's why we've made such a formidable team, isn't it? (facing spock once more, he reassures himself with his lasting presence.) Nothing seemed impossible to me, and I was convinced that I was totally invulnerable so long as we remained together on the bridge of that ship. I think I let that cloud my judgement, Spock, when it came to my feelings for you.
"Whatever satisfies Souls is true," (he says with finality.) Having you by my side is all that'll satisfy mine. I need you—you, as you are now. I could never be disappointed in that.
I have never found it significantly important to analyze the root cause of our success with one another. [ Not as deeply as he should have, not with motivation to be cautious when it came to his almost instantaneous over-investment. ] If I were to do so now I would doubtless draw the same conclusions which you have already. It has been enough for me that it has been the case.
[ Find that person that seems farthest from you... and reach for them.
Now, as always, he is at war with himself.
Hands return behind his back not to signal a lessening in his aggression but to hide how fingers suddenly twist together, uneasy. No, no, it's too soon to hope for a miscalculation – the pounding in his head has become searing and desperate. ]
"What is prudence, is indivisible, declines to separate one part of life from every part."
I have never intended to leave your side, Captain. It is my deepest wish to remain.
(to separate one part of life from every part. spock refuses him because it is the logical thing to do. he knows that his first officer has no lack of feeling for him, but to ask him to choose one facet of life, one individual from the whole, and cherish them above the rest?
it's not the vulcan way.)
Then we'll carry on as we always have, Mr. Spock. (his voice holds something back, made thick with the effort.) With you at your station and me at mine.
(would that he could appreciate spock's sentiment now for what it truly is. later, alone, kirk will review what's been said. words any other man might take offence to, in actuality an echo of the unforgettable three he shared with him in the beginning. for now, however, this must end.
which brings them to his first lie:) I think I'd like to be alone.
It's exactly what he wanted to hear and he is not a man prone to hope. Why now, then, does it feel like he should be in mourning? Not for a reality he never thought he could truly grasp, but for the enjoyment of the illusion. There cannot exist, after the finality of his answer, that same hint in his captain's eyes, bathed as it was in warmth. There is no innocent question now when the harsh truth has been laid bare.
What he feels is sadness instead. Sadness and an illogical dread.
He must be alone. ]
Of course, Captain. I shall take my leave. [ Encouraging him to remain and have the house for as long as required feels presumptuous so he says nothing, instead turning away after a single beat of hesitation and making for the front door. He isn't sure yet where he'll rest tonight, but it will not be here. ]
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no subject
he's only now fighting and failing to cope with the inner conflict spock has had to face every day of his life. in light of this, he's chosen what his next answer has to be.)
We've never been at war, you and I. Yes, we've had our disagreements and fought, but never in a way that couldn't be resolved. Putting intellect and intuition aside, that's why we've made such a formidable team, isn't it? (facing spock once more, he reassures himself with his lasting presence.) Nothing seemed impossible to me, and I was convinced that I was totally invulnerable so long as we remained together on the bridge of that ship. I think I let that cloud my judgement, Spock, when it came to my feelings for you.
"Whatever satisfies Souls is true," (he says with finality.) Having you by my side is all that'll satisfy mine. I need you—you, as you are now. I could never be disappointed in that.
no subject
I have never found it significantly important to analyze the root cause of our success with one another. [ Not as deeply as he should have, not with motivation to be cautious when it came to his almost instantaneous over-investment. ] If I were to do so now I would doubtless draw the same conclusions which you have already. It has been enough for me that it has been the case.
[ Find that person that seems farthest from you... and reach for them.
Now, as always, he is at war with himself.
Hands return behind his back not to signal a lessening in his aggression but to hide how fingers suddenly twist together, uneasy. No, no, it's too soon to hope for a miscalculation – the pounding in his head has become searing and desperate. ]
"What is prudence, is indivisible, declines to separate one part of life from every part."
I have never intended to leave your side, Captain. It is my deepest wish to remain.
no subject
it's not the vulcan way.)
Then we'll carry on as we always have, Mr. Spock. (his voice holds something back, made thick with the effort.) With you at your station and me at mine.
(would that he could appreciate spock's sentiment now for what it truly is. later, alone, kirk will review what's been said. words any other man might take offence to, in actuality an echo of the unforgettable three he shared with him in the beginning. for now, however, this must end.
which brings them to his first lie:) I think I'd like to be alone.
no subject
You at your station and me at mine.
It's exactly what he wanted to hear and he is not a man prone to hope. Why now, then, does it feel like he should be in mourning? Not for a reality he never thought he could truly grasp, but for the enjoyment of the illusion. There cannot exist, after the finality of his answer, that same hint in his captain's eyes, bathed as it was in warmth. There is no innocent question now when the harsh truth has been laid bare.
What he feels is sadness instead. Sadness and an illogical dread.
He must be alone. ]
Of course, Captain. I shall take my leave. [ Encouraging him to remain and have the house for as long as required feels presumptuous so he says nothing, instead turning away after a single beat of hesitation and making for the front door. He isn't sure yet where he'll rest tonight, but it will not be here. ]