That relies on two assumptions. The first is that the person confessing has that same awareness and approaches it carefully. The second is that the one receiving that confession is capable of hearing it and providing for the needs of the former.
Beyond the societal expectations that they will be required to navigate, there is also the matter of the effect of the conversation itself. Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
It could be that being with the man he loves outstrips the pressures created by societal and occupational expectations.
(a bitter, bitter helplessness creeps up the back of his neck, finally understanding what spock's trying to communicate to him. in disguise, too, which leaves him unable to call it like it is. he can't do much more than flounder back with a positive opinion where his first officer's favours the negative. the realistic.
kirk stalls, momentarily unable to type.)
There is never any need to rush an important decision; awareness and careful approach are paramount.
If I had known more about his concerns—or had asked what they were before he'd made up his mind, as I should've—I would have encouraged him to consider every possibility, both negative and positive. This is the only way to make a balanced decision that isn't skewed to one side or the other.
I accept that from a human perspective this could very well be the case.
[ And in this circumstance his use of the word "human" both is and isn't meant to create an extra barrier between them. Yes, his outlook is distinct. No, he doesn't mean to disregard the opposing side.
But this is a largely blind analysis he's conducting. ]
And I took it into consideration. However, he spoke of the already high quality of their relationship, as I have said. Those feelings of affection exist with or without a romantic inclination. He could have had a rewarding experience without jeopardizing their positions.
[ Could.
There is no room in his breakdown for a "leap of faith". ]
(spock, a man of two worlds, made his choice long ago. to pursue the vulcan way like his father, to suppress emotion, wholly embrace logic, and align himself with scientific endeavours. kirk loves him because of it and because of the strengths and weaknesses that come with that choice. because of the stimulating conversation during late-night chess games and because of the slow reveals of his life before the enterprise that he's privileged to learn year after year. because he makes him yearn to be a better man not only for his sake but for his own and for the galaxy's.
it's because of the impossible wall he began to scale when they first met and because these exceptions have been made for him. because spock's allowed him to ignore vertigo and peek over the edge at his neglected human half and because he trusts him with it beyond vulcan rationality.
the conversation is painful because it's already ended. if this is his answer, he has to respect it. because spock believes that he will.)
I can't pretend that this is about them any longer.
[ James Kirk has been interested in him for years.
This, given the inquiries he's endured on the subject, would be less shocking to most than the revelation that Spock himself is entirely and fully aware of that interest. How could he not be? With the endless careful attention paid to his feelings, the consideration of his boundaries and knowledge, the awareness of and respect for their racial divide, the stolen glances, the warm smiles, what he's sensed through repeated joinings of their minds.
He is dynamic, beautiful, and arresting. He is sharp, stern, and intuitive. He is everything that Spock has resisted, and also everything that Spock could want in a commanding officer.
Reading what he has to say now is like greeting him the first day he was required to say goodbye to Captain Pike.
Full of perilous unknowns, but sensing a kinship that doesn't allow him to look away. ]
Captain.
It is my duty as your first officer to advise you when I believe you are erring in your judgement.
he's created this fissure with his own hands, after all of his careful efforts to keep it sealed. there's only one question on his mind: was there anything he could've done to prevent it from ending this way?
before his thoughts can spiral, kirk has to push through them. no less than the entire force of his considerable will is required, however, to move from his spot at the library, exiting before his coat has a chance to settle down his arms. it takes no time to coach the deep creases out of his expression and to walk with cold purpose to the house; it feels final.
then he sees their front door.
because he arrives before spock and he feels defenceless without the shield his uniform has become in lieu of the enterprise, he ascends the stairs to change. kirk feels stronger in gold, a man of composure, fingertips finding the badge that's represented the better half of his life. what his nail catches on is a fraying stitch pulled up from a point that holds his greatest achievement to his chest, that simple act of snapping the thread shaking his resolve.
Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
descending, jim waits for spock in the living room.)
[ It's another four minutes and thirty-six seconds before Spock arrives. He is availing himself of the tracker on his phone to alert him as to Kirk's whereabouts, after all, and his mind is nothing if not longing for distraction.
Each second passes slowly as he wipes one mental slate clean to then fill it with new calculations, another propped up to list emotional variables, another their duties as servicemen. He's run through the scenarios countless times, always taking care to go only as far as is necessary to arrive at the "no" without allowing himself to indulge in further, extraneous fantasy.
He arrives at it again before he reaches the house. It twists in his gut, painful, compromising, and all of his mental energies are redirected to shutting the door on every emotion attached to the name "Kirk". ]
[ When he steps inside, overcoat hung neatly in the coat closet, it's with a measured gait and emotionless expression. Eyes flicker momentarily to the chess set set upon the dining room table before redirecting to the living room where he knows he'll be waiting, and if Kirk's choice of attire is unexpected Spock gives no indication of such.
He remains standing, no less foreboding a figure in his civilian clothes, and appraises his captain with the barest nod of his head. ]
(spock's had his time to compose himself and so has he, but the vulcan's presence before him makes it all the more challenging to measure up to that stoic calm. kirk feels the opposite, simultaneously preparing for a lifelong period of mourning while refusing to out of sheer obstinacy and an unwillingness to let go.
he isn't ready to let the situation slip through his fingers without sufficient explanation from spock, and so he gives them both a moment to brace for what will undoubtedly be their most excruciating conversation.
he doesn't look up until he's certain he can hold his gaze, rising with it in one steady motion.)
Spock. (when he addresses him, he does it without a title, reaching for any sentiment that might connect them in this lonely moment.) I know this is sudden. But you must understand why I couldn't follow your advice.
[ His position behind the couch is abandoned in order that he might face him fully, stepping out from behind the obstruction with his usual grace and formality as he too meets Kirk's eyes. It's more fitting this way. He deserves this.
They both do. ]
I do not believe that I must. [ Immediately it's clear that his tone is guarded. Only in times when his human half is at its strongest, after all, must his Vulcan half build higher walls. ]
You are a highly intelligent man and as aware of our respective situations as I am. [ Is that true, with how much he's omitted from his own personal narrative? With just how many things he's kept from a man who has managed to understand him so well in spite of that? ] Your open-mindedness and intuition do you credit, but so too do your control and pragmatism.
(control? pragmatism? not in the face of love. he hasn't allowed himself because it is his greatest weakness, so easily exploited by others. but not by spock, never by him. his refusal may be the first and it seems as though he can't accept it for what it is. the one thing they've never been able to see eye-to-eye on despite all of the time spent trying to understand when it seemed impossible to.
sailing beyond the stars on his ship with his lover, "having it all"... for a starship captain—for him—it's never been fated.)
I need you to hear it. It's selfish... I know that it is. It's easier for me and I'm taking advantage of that now as your captain and as a friend you've trusted. (if he knows that it's wrong, then why is he so frustrated? this is how it's always been for spock. a few years can't override an entire existence of misapprehensions and miscarriages of socialization and the belief that there are few joys permitted for "aberrations.") The time we've spent together has been irreplaceable for me. You've been at my side unfalteringly, my voice of reason, my conscience. No one was there to remind me of my purpose until you were.
That's why I've loved you. (resolute in the face of overwhelming odds, kirk takes a single step forward.) Then, now, always I have.
[ That step forward has his eyes lifting, remaining settled on this man who to him, even now, challenging everything he's ever known, is a beautiful marvel to him. Every complexity, every equation that says they shouldn't, every logical axiom that forbids acceptance of this entreatment as anything more than fantasy is ignored by him. James Kirk finds the strength to say words Spock isn't able to even think without his mind going to war with itself.
And he admires him even as he seeks out the right words to refuse him.
What more could he want in an ideal partner than the man standing before him? Understanding. Patient. Even now, to Spock, he is perfect. ]
You are my commanding officer. You are also my friend.
[ I have been, and ever shall be, yours. ]
I have no intention of abandoning my post or duties to you, and no desire to express a sentiment lesser than yours when you speak of the importance of our relationship. I too have experienced it.
But you understate what is now required of me. You do not simply require that I listen, you require a response. And what you desire is not something that I am capable of providing, Jim. You must have known this.
[ Already pain is blossoming in his skull, not the first of many symptoms of the strength of his emotions, and his heart rate is causing alarm in the back of his mind. Even still, he remains. ]
(the light that comes through the window is ebbing, casting chrysos' yellow glow in a treacherously handsome way across high cheekbones. shadows deepen and, to kirk, spock, who's wearing little in the way of an expression, looks tired.
because spock can't show it, because it is who he is, kirk wears the upsetness in his stead. it'd be impossible for him to hide it following bitter words they knew had to come, human in every respect. for his strength to wane, however, is not acceptable. in a short time, it'll be remedied, locked behind the mask of a dignified captain taking another loss on the chin. invulnerable to disappointment, heartache, and confusion.
and he'll survive, as he always has—ironically, kirk has the man before him to thank for that. he's promised to remain by his side and spock's word is his bond.)
You're... overestimating my ability to understand, Spock. I don't.
(all he's ever sought until now were ways to better know spock so that he may fully understand. that doesn't stop in the event of rejection, nor will it ever.)
[ Never in his life has he overestimated Captain Kirk.
For the majority of their first year together, and in pockets afterward, he had done exactly the opposite. He'd seen one more human ready to underperform, one more human replacing a man he had grown to so deeply respect, one more human who would tell tired jokes and take things personally and slow down his work.
How could he have possibly known? ]
I am asking you to accept my answer, such as it is. [ It's a mirror of what he said to him when he was in the depths of his pon farr, ready and willing to die rather than expose the most intimate parts of his life. And because of the similarities, he knows already that Jim won't allow him to get away with it. ]
they're anticipating one another now and his voice has become heated because of it. this became an unbalanced scale when kirk threw in the weight of his authority as an extra incentive for spock to answer. if it's the only way he'll do so, then he'll pry back the layers with the force of his captaincy.)
No, I won't. How could I possibly? (he fights because it's expected of him, no matter how repeatedly that fact is denied. he fights because his first officer deserves nothing less than his greatest attempt.) Explain it to me, Spock– God help me, I order you to.
[ Before when Kirk used his title to force answers out of Spock it had been in a situation critical to their work together on the Enterprise. Does it surprise him now that he would use it in this matter, divorced from the service? That is something he hadn't been able to predict with certainty. His captain is a devoted man, an excellent commander, but he has also set that aside for the well-being of his first officer more than once. ]
It is my duty to inform you when you are abusing your authority, [ he cuts back suddenly, voice uncharacteristically sharper as his hands unclasp from behind his back and instead linger unsteadily at his sides. ]
Jim, I understand far better than most the tribulations that accompany close relations between humans and Vulcans. The differing lifespans. The war between emotion and logic. You are a passionate man, able to give of yourself freely and deserving of the same in return. My capacity for this is greatly diminished by comparison.
I am half-human, but many years ago I made a choice to pursue my father's path. The obstacles along that path, for someone like me, have been many. And a relationship with you... of the kind that you seek, it would jeopardize my ability to fully honor that choice.
There is also the matter of your career. To display such favoritism by fraternizing with your first officer would damage your reputation irreparably, to say nothing of the scrutiny added due to my race. [ As indelicate as it is to mention. Why lie now? Why pretend that it wouldn't be a factor when their cross-species friendship has become so famous? ]
You belong as captain of the Enterprise. I will not sway you from that destiny.
(his hand cuts through the air between them like a blade, voice raising.)
Don't you include the outcome of my career in your long list of reasons why I won't cut it for you, Commander. (unfair to say, undoubtedly, but his control has been poisoned, stung by the very truths he demanded from spock.) Don't you include what is my choice– my choice to make where the Enterprise is concerned.
(finally, kirk turns. it starts in a glance to the side, away from spock, to hide the shock of the moment settling in. it ends with a lateral pace deeper into the living room so that he may immerse himself in their contrasting yet complementary decor. he looks at all of the work they've done together on the crown moulding, the fireplace mantle, the uneven paint job, the old wiring. their hands, their effort, their temporary home.
a comedy of errors.)
Destiny... that may be mine, Spock, but what about yours? Hasn't anything changed since then? You're no longer the child who made that decision, you're a man all your own. (and perfect, as he sees him. vulcan. human. untarnished by the coldness of reality, still wide-eyed and mystified by the universe.) Not long ago, I told you that you were closer to me than anyone in the universe. You know me better than I know myself.
I can't respect what you think you have to do, only what you want to do. If this is what you want—what you need—then I can accept that. I'll find a way to.
[ The emotionalism of Kirk's response isn't shied away from – rather it's Spock's turn to take a step forward, hooded eyes fixed solely on him. He's seen Jim angry at him before, furious even, but that is one thing that's never given him any pause in speaking his own mind. In fact it's far easier to focus on than the hurt he sees flash in hazel eyes before his captain is averting his gaze. ]
You asked for my reasons and I have given them to you. It is your choice to keep command of the Enterprise and it is my choice to do what is best for her. It would be a mistake to speak of my decision as dependent upon yours and not as a logical separate outcome. [ And whatever Kirk may think of it, of course it's his business. The last thing he needs or wants is to harm something so precious to his best friend, something that would impact them both. He won't be used as a tool to take down James Kirk or to hurt the Enterprise. ]
If you see me as my own man then grant me the right to make this decision on my own. I have offered you my explanation and supplied the basis for the conclusion I have drawn.
I ask that you do accept it, whether or not respect is viable in your eyes. [ After all, is the Vulcan way something that can be shouldered and put aside when it's convenient to do so? Did he choose to save Sarek when it was the easy thing to do, or did he stand by his convictions and serve his ship as needed?
(push, pull. they dance together even at odds, even as they compete, logic against emotion. spock draws nearer and kirk has half a mind to match it until they are chest to chest, robbed of any possibility of escape. instead, he remains where he is, wondering if he should have appealed to him in a practical way or slowed down long enough to get the finer details straight. it proves how enduringly human he is no matter the circumstance, because he can't do what his vulcan first officer can.
he's only now fighting and failing to cope with the inner conflict spock has had to face every day of his life. in light of this, he's chosen what his next answer has to be.)
We've never been at war, you and I. Yes, we've had our disagreements and fought, but never in a way that couldn't be resolved. Putting intellect and intuition aside, that's why we've made such a formidable team, isn't it? (facing spock once more, he reassures himself with his lasting presence.) Nothing seemed impossible to me, and I was convinced that I was totally invulnerable so long as we remained together on the bridge of that ship. I think I let that cloud my judgement, Spock, when it came to my feelings for you.
"Whatever satisfies Souls is true," (he says with finality.) Having you by my side is all that'll satisfy mine. I need you—you, as you are now. I could never be disappointed in that.
I have never found it significantly important to analyze the root cause of our success with one another. [ Not as deeply as he should have, not with motivation to be cautious when it came to his almost instantaneous over-investment. ] If I were to do so now I would doubtless draw the same conclusions which you have already. It has been enough for me that it has been the case.
[ Find that person that seems farthest from you... and reach for them.
Now, as always, he is at war with himself.
Hands return behind his back not to signal a lessening in his aggression but to hide how fingers suddenly twist together, uneasy. No, no, it's too soon to hope for a miscalculation – the pounding in his head has become searing and desperate. ]
"What is prudence, is indivisible, declines to separate one part of life from every part."
I have never intended to leave your side, Captain. It is my deepest wish to remain.
(to separate one part of life from every part. spock refuses him because it is the logical thing to do. he knows that his first officer has no lack of feeling for him, but to ask him to choose one facet of life, one individual from the whole, and cherish them above the rest?
it's not the vulcan way.)
Then we'll carry on as we always have, Mr. Spock. (his voice holds something back, made thick with the effort.) With you at your station and me at mine.
(would that he could appreciate spock's sentiment now for what it truly is. later, alone, kirk will review what's been said. words any other man might take offence to, in actuality an echo of the unforgettable three he shared with him in the beginning. for now, however, this must end.
which brings them to his first lie:) I think I'd like to be alone.
It's exactly what he wanted to hear and he is not a man prone to hope. Why now, then, does it feel like he should be in mourning? Not for a reality he never thought he could truly grasp, but for the enjoyment of the illusion. There cannot exist, after the finality of his answer, that same hint in his captain's eyes, bathed as it was in warmth. There is no innocent question now when the harsh truth has been laid bare.
What he feels is sadness instead. Sadness and an illogical dread.
He must be alone. ]
Of course, Captain. I shall take my leave. [ Encouraging him to remain and have the house for as long as required feels presumptuous so he says nothing, instead turning away after a single beat of hesitation and making for the front door. He isn't sure yet where he'll rest tonight, but it will not be here. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Beyond the societal expectations that they will be required to navigate, there is also the matter of the effect of the conversation itself. Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
no subject
(a bitter, bitter helplessness creeps up the back of his neck, finally understanding what spock's trying to communicate to him. in disguise, too, which leaves him unable to call it like it is. he can't do much more than flounder back with a positive opinion where his first officer's favours the negative. the realistic.
kirk stalls, momentarily unable to type.)
There is never any need to rush an important decision; awareness and careful approach are paramount.
If I had known more about his concerns—or had asked what they were before he'd made up his mind, as I should've—I would have encouraged him to consider every possibility, both negative and positive. This is the only way to make a balanced decision that isn't skewed to one side or the other.
The rest is a leap of faith.
no subject
[ And in this circumstance his use of the word "human" both is and isn't meant to create an extra barrier between them. Yes, his outlook is distinct. No, he doesn't mean to disregard the opposing side.
But this is a largely blind analysis he's conducting. ]
And I took it into consideration. However, he spoke of the already high quality of their relationship, as I have said. Those feelings of affection exist with or without a romantic inclination. He could have had a rewarding experience without jeopardizing their positions.
[ Could.
There is no room in his breakdown for a "leap of faith". ]
no subject
it's because of the impossible wall he began to scale when they first met and because these exceptions have been made for him. because spock's allowed him to ignore vertigo and peek over the edge at his neglected human half and because he trusts him with it beyond vulcan rationality.
the conversation is painful because it's already ended. if this is his answer, he has to respect it. because spock believes that he will.)
I can't pretend that this is about them any longer.
no subject
This, given the inquiries he's endured on the subject, would be less shocking to most than the revelation that Spock himself is entirely and fully aware of that interest. How could he not be? With the endless careful attention paid to his feelings, the consideration of his boundaries and knowledge, the awareness of and respect for their racial divide, the stolen glances, the warm smiles, what he's sensed through repeated joinings of their minds.
He is dynamic, beautiful, and arresting. He is sharp, stern, and intuitive. He is everything that Spock has resisted, and also everything that Spock could want in a commanding officer.
Reading what he has to say now is like greeting him the first day he was required to say goodbye to Captain Pike.
Full of perilous unknowns, but sensing a kinship that doesn't allow him to look away. ]
Captain.
It is my duty as your first officer to advise you when I believe you are erring in your judgement.
no subject
I'm not having a discussion like this over the phone. I want to see you.
no subject
Of course.
[ He wants to meditate. He wants to free himself from a conversation that threatens the most important thing to him in this universe.
But he owes Kirk more than that, so much more. ]
If you would not prefer to meet publicly, I will return to the house at once.
no subject
(he knows.
he's created this fissure with his own hands, after all of his careful efforts to keep it sealed. there's only one question on his mind: was there anything he could've done to prevent it from ending this way?
before his thoughts can spiral, kirk has to push through them. no less than the entire force of his considerable will is required, however, to move from his spot at the library, exiting before his coat has a chance to settle down his arms. it takes no time to coach the deep creases out of his expression and to walk with cold purpose to the house; it feels final.
then he sees their front door.
because he arrives before spock and he feels defenceless without the shield his uniform has become in lieu of the enterprise, he ascends the stairs to change. kirk feels stronger in gold, a man of composure, fingertips finding the badge that's represented the better half of his life. what his nail catches on is a fraying stitch pulled up from a point that holds his greatest achievement to his chest, that simple act of snapping the thread shaking his resolve.
Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
descending, jim waits for spock in the living room.)
1/2
Each second passes slowly as he wipes one mental slate clean to then fill it with new calculations, another propped up to list emotional variables, another their duties as servicemen. He's run through the scenarios countless times, always taking care to go only as far as is necessary to arrive at the "no" without allowing himself to indulge in further, extraneous fantasy.
He arrives at it again before he reaches the house. It twists in his gut, painful, compromising, and all of his mental energies are redirected to shutting the door on every emotion attached to the name "Kirk". ]
no subject
He remains standing, no less foreboding a figure in his civilian clothes, and appraises his captain with the barest nod of his head. ]
Captain.
no subject
he isn't ready to let the situation slip through his fingers without sufficient explanation from spock, and so he gives them both a moment to brace for what will undoubtedly be their most excruciating conversation.
he doesn't look up until he's certain he can hold his gaze, rising with it in one steady motion.)
Spock. (when he addresses him, he does it without a title, reaching for any sentiment that might connect them in this lonely moment.) I know this is sudden. But you must understand why I couldn't follow your advice.
no subject
They both do. ]
I do not believe that I must. [ Immediately it's clear that his tone is guarded. Only in times when his human half is at its strongest, after all, must his Vulcan half build higher walls. ]
You are a highly intelligent man and as aware of our respective situations as I am. [ Is that true, with how much he's omitted from his own personal narrative? With just how many things he's kept from a man who has managed to understand him so well in spite of that? ] Your open-mindedness and intuition do you credit, but so too do your control and pragmatism.
no subject
(control? pragmatism? not in the face of love. he hasn't allowed himself because it is his greatest weakness, so easily exploited by others. but not by spock, never by him. his refusal may be the first and it seems as though he can't accept it for what it is. the one thing they've never been able to see eye-to-eye on despite all of the time spent trying to understand when it seemed impossible to.
sailing beyond the stars on his ship with his lover, "having it all"... for a starship captain—for him—it's never been fated.)
I need you to hear it. It's selfish... I know that it is. It's easier for me and I'm taking advantage of that now as your captain and as a friend you've trusted. (if he knows that it's wrong, then why is he so frustrated? this is how it's always been for spock. a few years can't override an entire existence of misapprehensions and miscarriages of socialization and the belief that there are few joys permitted for "aberrations.") The time we've spent together has been irreplaceable for me. You've been at my side unfalteringly, my voice of reason, my conscience. No one was there to remind me of my purpose until you were.
That's why I've loved you. (resolute in the face of overwhelming odds, kirk takes a single step forward.) Then, now, always I have.
no subject
And he admires him even as he seeks out the right words to refuse him.
What more could he want in an ideal partner than the man standing before him? Understanding. Patient. Even now, to Spock, he is perfect. ]
You are my commanding officer. You are also my friend.
[ I have been, and ever shall be, yours. ]
I have no intention of abandoning my post or duties to you, and no desire to express a sentiment lesser than yours when you speak of the importance of our relationship. I too have experienced it.
But you understate what is now required of me. You do not simply require that I listen, you require a response. And what you desire is not something that I am capable of providing, Jim. You must have known this.
[ Already pain is blossoming in his skull, not the first of many symptoms of the strength of his emotions, and his heart rate is causing alarm in the back of his mind. Even still, he remains. ]
no subject
because spock can't show it, because it is who he is, kirk wears the upsetness in his stead. it'd be impossible for him to hide it following bitter words they knew had to come, human in every respect. for his strength to wane, however, is not acceptable. in a short time, it'll be remedied, locked behind the mask of a dignified captain taking another loss on the chin. invulnerable to disappointment, heartache, and confusion.
and he'll survive, as he always has—ironically, kirk has the man before him to thank for that. he's promised to remain by his side and spock's word is his bond.)
You're... overestimating my ability to understand, Spock. I don't.
(all he's ever sought until now were ways to better know spock so that he may fully understand. that doesn't stop in the event of rejection, nor will it ever.)
Tell me why.
no subject
For the majority of their first year together, and in pockets afterward, he had done exactly the opposite. He'd seen one more human ready to underperform, one more human replacing a man he had grown to so deeply respect, one more human who would tell tired jokes and take things personally and slow down his work.
How could he have possibly known? ]
I am asking you to accept my answer, such as it is. [ It's a mirror of what he said to him when he was in the depths of his pon farr, ready and willing to die rather than expose the most intimate parts of his life. And because of the similarities, he knows already that Jim won't allow him to get away with it. ]
no subject
they're anticipating one another now and his voice has become heated because of it. this became an unbalanced scale when kirk threw in the weight of his authority as an extra incentive for spock to answer. if it's the only way he'll do so, then he'll pry back the layers with the force of his captaincy.)
No, I won't. How could I possibly? (he fights because it's expected of him, no matter how repeatedly that fact is denied. he fights because his first officer deserves nothing less than his greatest attempt.) Explain it to me, Spock– God help me, I order you to.
1/2
It is my duty to inform you when you are abusing your authority, [ he cuts back suddenly, voice uncharacteristically sharper as his hands unclasp from behind his back and instead linger unsteadily at his sides. ]
... just as it is also my duty to respect it.
2/2
I am half-human, but many years ago I made a choice to pursue my father's path. The obstacles along that path, for someone like me, have been many. And a relationship with you... of the kind that you seek, it would jeopardize my ability to fully honor that choice.
There is also the matter of your career. To display such favoritism by fraternizing with your first officer would damage your reputation irreparably, to say nothing of the scrutiny added due to my race. [ As indelicate as it is to mention. Why lie now? Why pretend that it wouldn't be a factor when their cross-species friendship has become so famous? ]
You belong as captain of the Enterprise. I will not sway you from that destiny.
no subject
Don't you include the outcome of my career in your long list of reasons why I won't cut it for you, Commander. (unfair to say, undoubtedly, but his control has been poisoned, stung by the very truths he demanded from spock.) Don't you include what is my choice– my choice to make where the Enterprise is concerned.
(finally, kirk turns. it starts in a glance to the side, away from spock, to hide the shock of the moment settling in. it ends with a lateral pace deeper into the living room so that he may immerse himself in their contrasting yet complementary decor. he looks at all of the work they've done together on the crown moulding, the fireplace mantle, the uneven paint job, the old wiring. their hands, their effort, their temporary home.
a comedy of errors.)
Destiny... that may be mine, Spock, but what about yours? Hasn't anything changed since then? You're no longer the child who made that decision, you're a man all your own. (and perfect, as he sees him. vulcan. human. untarnished by the coldness of reality, still wide-eyed and mystified by the universe.) Not long ago, I told you that you were closer to me than anyone in the universe. You know me better than I know myself.
I can't respect what you think you have to do, only what you want to do. If this is what you want—what you need—then I can accept that. I'll find a way to.
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You asked for my reasons and I have given them to you. It is your choice to keep command of the Enterprise and it is my choice to do what is best for her. It would be a mistake to speak of my decision as dependent upon yours and not as a logical separate outcome. [ And whatever Kirk may think of it, of course it's his business. The last thing he needs or wants is to harm something so precious to his best friend, something that would impact them both. He won't be used as a tool to take down James Kirk or to hurt the Enterprise. ]
If you see me as my own man then grant me the right to make this decision on my own. I have offered you my explanation and supplied the basis for the conclusion I have drawn.
I ask that you do accept it, whether or not respect is viable in your eyes. [ After all, is the Vulcan way something that can be shouldered and put aside when it's convenient to do so? Did he choose to save Sarek when it was the easy thing to do, or did he stand by his convictions and serve his ship as needed?
Even then the variable had been James Kirk. ]
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he's only now fighting and failing to cope with the inner conflict spock has had to face every day of his life. in light of this, he's chosen what his next answer has to be.)
We've never been at war, you and I. Yes, we've had our disagreements and fought, but never in a way that couldn't be resolved. Putting intellect and intuition aside, that's why we've made such a formidable team, isn't it? (facing spock once more, he reassures himself with his lasting presence.) Nothing seemed impossible to me, and I was convinced that I was totally invulnerable so long as we remained together on the bridge of that ship. I think I let that cloud my judgement, Spock, when it came to my feelings for you.
"Whatever satisfies Souls is true," (he says with finality.) Having you by my side is all that'll satisfy mine. I need you—you, as you are now. I could never be disappointed in that.
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I have never found it significantly important to analyze the root cause of our success with one another. [ Not as deeply as he should have, not with motivation to be cautious when it came to his almost instantaneous over-investment. ] If I were to do so now I would doubtless draw the same conclusions which you have already. It has been enough for me that it has been the case.
[ Find that person that seems farthest from you... and reach for them.
Now, as always, he is at war with himself.
Hands return behind his back not to signal a lessening in his aggression but to hide how fingers suddenly twist together, uneasy. No, no, it's too soon to hope for a miscalculation – the pounding in his head has become searing and desperate. ]
"What is prudence, is indivisible, declines to separate one part of life from every part."
I have never intended to leave your side, Captain. It is my deepest wish to remain.
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it's not the vulcan way.)
Then we'll carry on as we always have, Mr. Spock. (his voice holds something back, made thick with the effort.) With you at your station and me at mine.
(would that he could appreciate spock's sentiment now for what it truly is. later, alone, kirk will review what's been said. words any other man might take offence to, in actuality an echo of the unforgettable three he shared with him in the beginning. for now, however, this must end.
which brings them to his first lie:) I think I'd like to be alone.
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You at your station and me at mine.
It's exactly what he wanted to hear and he is not a man prone to hope. Why now, then, does it feel like he should be in mourning? Not for a reality he never thought he could truly grasp, but for the enjoyment of the illusion. There cannot exist, after the finality of his answer, that same hint in his captain's eyes, bathed as it was in warmth. There is no innocent question now when the harsh truth has been laid bare.
What he feels is sadness instead. Sadness and an illogical dread.
He must be alone. ]
Of course, Captain. I shall take my leave. [ Encouraging him to remain and have the house for as long as required feels presumptuous so he says nothing, instead turning away after a single beat of hesitation and making for the front door. He isn't sure yet where he'll rest tonight, but it will not be here. ]