(this clarifies some of the oddities with yashiki's confession and the resulting conversation he had with him. he could chastise spock for "meddling" in their affairs, but he's not totally human. to quantify and qualify love—an oxymoronically simple and complex emotion the most famous romance writers, like keats and shakespeare, experts of their craft, struggled to do—one has to embrace it and let it in. furthermore, it was yashiki who asked for his advice. spock did the only logical thing and responded in the way he concluded was best.
this is frustrating for several reasons.
kirk must close his eyes a moment before he's able to respond in the way he's been responding for years: slowly and gently.)
Mr. Yashiki must have been grateful to you for providing him with such a response. It certainly would've made him consider more seriously what his partner felt and wanted. That was an invaluable perspective, even if it's not one he chose to adopt himself.
Spock, love often involves a list of pro et contra considerations whose negatives may very well outweigh the positives. The very nature of it is contrary.
[ "You're not capable of love," Michael had told him once. "I am," he had stated resolutely, as full of determination and fire at such a young age as he would ever be.
"I feel sorrier for you than I do for him because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to," McCoy had told him years later. "All of these things you'll never know simply because the word 'love' isn't written into your book." This, he had not tried to fight. Along the way he'd lost the need to keep trying.
He is capable of love. But Jim Kirk understands it far better than he ever will. ]
I had no doubt that he would receive encouragement from those with similar worldviews if he sought them out. The case remains to me that humans place undue focus onto the emotion. There are many other concrete factors which cannot and should not be ignored, Jim.
(his heart feels as though it's in his throat, but his focus only improves when his pulse has risen. would he have preferred it to remain about yashiki and mashita when it so clearly is not?
no.)
I agree with you, Spock, but I'd like to know a few of the factors you're referring to.
They were all concerns which he himself shared with me.
Their relationship is already one he finds agreeable and making this decision puts that at risk. He is aware that having a deeper connection with him could potentially endanger him. He is also concerned that he will begin to define his life by his terms and no longer by his own. He believes that he will hurt him through his actions.
[ The vague use of pronouns only, whether by conscious design or not, is intentional. It doesn't matter, after all. Not truly. ]
They're complicated reasons that deserve a great deal of thought.
No one wants to put the individual they love at risk or injure them in any way, physically or emotionally. This is why a confession is a conversation. It's not simply a declaration of love and intent, but a series of questions asked and answered.
There is, ultimately, no perfect solution. I think he knew that and made the decision to strive for one by asking the only person who could help.
That relies on two assumptions. The first is that the person confessing has that same awareness and approaches it carefully. The second is that the one receiving that confession is capable of hearing it and providing for the needs of the former.
Beyond the societal expectations that they will be required to navigate, there is also the matter of the effect of the conversation itself. Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
It could be that being with the man he loves outstrips the pressures created by societal and occupational expectations.
(a bitter, bitter helplessness creeps up the back of his neck, finally understanding what spock's trying to communicate to him. in disguise, too, which leaves him unable to call it like it is. he can't do much more than flounder back with a positive opinion where his first officer's favours the negative. the realistic.
kirk stalls, momentarily unable to type.)
There is never any need to rush an important decision; awareness and careful approach are paramount.
If I had known more about his concerns—or had asked what they were before he'd made up his mind, as I should've—I would have encouraged him to consider every possibility, both negative and positive. This is the only way to make a balanced decision that isn't skewed to one side or the other.
I accept that from a human perspective this could very well be the case.
[ And in this circumstance his use of the word "human" both is and isn't meant to create an extra barrier between them. Yes, his outlook is distinct. No, he doesn't mean to disregard the opposing side.
But this is a largely blind analysis he's conducting. ]
And I took it into consideration. However, he spoke of the already high quality of their relationship, as I have said. Those feelings of affection exist with or without a romantic inclination. He could have had a rewarding experience without jeopardizing their positions.
[ Could.
There is no room in his breakdown for a "leap of faith". ]
(spock, a man of two worlds, made his choice long ago. to pursue the vulcan way like his father, to suppress emotion, wholly embrace logic, and align himself with scientific endeavours. kirk loves him because of it and because of the strengths and weaknesses that come with that choice. because of the stimulating conversation during late-night chess games and because of the slow reveals of his life before the enterprise that he's privileged to learn year after year. because he makes him yearn to be a better man not only for his sake but for his own and for the galaxy's.
it's because of the impossible wall he began to scale when they first met and because these exceptions have been made for him. because spock's allowed him to ignore vertigo and peek over the edge at his neglected human half and because he trusts him with it beyond vulcan rationality.
the conversation is painful because it's already ended. if this is his answer, he has to respect it. because spock believes that he will.)
I can't pretend that this is about them any longer.
[ James Kirk has been interested in him for years.
This, given the inquiries he's endured on the subject, would be less shocking to most than the revelation that Spock himself is entirely and fully aware of that interest. How could he not be? With the endless careful attention paid to his feelings, the consideration of his boundaries and knowledge, the awareness of and respect for their racial divide, the stolen glances, the warm smiles, what he's sensed through repeated joinings of their minds.
He is dynamic, beautiful, and arresting. He is sharp, stern, and intuitive. He is everything that Spock has resisted, and also everything that Spock could want in a commanding officer.
Reading what he has to say now is like greeting him the first day he was required to say goodbye to Captain Pike.
Full of perilous unknowns, but sensing a kinship that doesn't allow him to look away. ]
Captain.
It is my duty as your first officer to advise you when I believe you are erring in your judgement.
he's created this fissure with his own hands, after all of his careful efforts to keep it sealed. there's only one question on his mind: was there anything he could've done to prevent it from ending this way?
before his thoughts can spiral, kirk has to push through them. no less than the entire force of his considerable will is required, however, to move from his spot at the library, exiting before his coat has a chance to settle down his arms. it takes no time to coach the deep creases out of his expression and to walk with cold purpose to the house; it feels final.
then he sees their front door.
because he arrives before spock and he feels defenceless without the shield his uniform has become in lieu of the enterprise, he ascends the stairs to change. kirk feels stronger in gold, a man of composure, fingertips finding the badge that's represented the better half of his life. what his nail catches on is a fraying stitch pulled up from a point that holds his greatest achievement to his chest, that simple act of snapping the thread shaking his resolve.
Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
descending, jim waits for spock in the living room.)
[ It's another four minutes and thirty-six seconds before Spock arrives. He is availing himself of the tracker on his phone to alert him as to Kirk's whereabouts, after all, and his mind is nothing if not longing for distraction.
Each second passes slowly as he wipes one mental slate clean to then fill it with new calculations, another propped up to list emotional variables, another their duties as servicemen. He's run through the scenarios countless times, always taking care to go only as far as is necessary to arrive at the "no" without allowing himself to indulge in further, extraneous fantasy.
He arrives at it again before he reaches the house. It twists in his gut, painful, compromising, and all of his mental energies are redirected to shutting the door on every emotion attached to the name "Kirk". ]
[ When he steps inside, overcoat hung neatly in the coat closet, it's with a measured gait and emotionless expression. Eyes flicker momentarily to the chess set set upon the dining room table before redirecting to the living room where he knows he'll be waiting, and if Kirk's choice of attire is unexpected Spock gives no indication of such.
He remains standing, no less foreboding a figure in his civilian clothes, and appraises his captain with the barest nod of his head. ]
(spock's had his time to compose himself and so has he, but the vulcan's presence before him makes it all the more challenging to measure up to that stoic calm. kirk feels the opposite, simultaneously preparing for a lifelong period of mourning while refusing to out of sheer obstinacy and an unwillingness to let go.
he isn't ready to let the situation slip through his fingers without sufficient explanation from spock, and so he gives them both a moment to brace for what will undoubtedly be their most excruciating conversation.
he doesn't look up until he's certain he can hold his gaze, rising with it in one steady motion.)
Spock. (when he addresses him, he does it without a title, reaching for any sentiment that might connect them in this lonely moment.) I know this is sudden. But you must understand why I couldn't follow your advice.
[ His position behind the couch is abandoned in order that he might face him fully, stepping out from behind the obstruction with his usual grace and formality as he too meets Kirk's eyes. It's more fitting this way. He deserves this.
They both do. ]
I do not believe that I must. [ Immediately it's clear that his tone is guarded. Only in times when his human half is at its strongest, after all, must his Vulcan half build higher walls. ]
You are a highly intelligent man and as aware of our respective situations as I am. [ Is that true, with how much he's omitted from his own personal narrative? With just how many things he's kept from a man who has managed to understand him so well in spite of that? ] Your open-mindedness and intuition do you credit, but so too do your control and pragmatism.
(control? pragmatism? not in the face of love. he hasn't allowed himself because it is his greatest weakness, so easily exploited by others. but not by spock, never by him. his refusal may be the first and it seems as though he can't accept it for what it is. the one thing they've never been able to see eye-to-eye on despite all of the time spent trying to understand when it seemed impossible to.
sailing beyond the stars on his ship with his lover, "having it all"... for a starship captain—for him—it's never been fated.)
I need you to hear it. It's selfish... I know that it is. It's easier for me and I'm taking advantage of that now as your captain and as a friend you've trusted. (if he knows that it's wrong, then why is he so frustrated? this is how it's always been for spock. a few years can't override an entire existence of misapprehensions and miscarriages of socialization and the belief that there are few joys permitted for "aberrations.") The time we've spent together has been irreplaceable for me. You've been at my side unfalteringly, my voice of reason, my conscience. No one was there to remind me of my purpose until you were.
That's why I've loved you. (resolute in the face of overwhelming odds, kirk takes a single step forward.) Then, now, always I have.
[ That step forward has his eyes lifting, remaining settled on this man who to him, even now, challenging everything he's ever known, is a beautiful marvel to him. Every complexity, every equation that says they shouldn't, every logical axiom that forbids acceptance of this entreatment as anything more than fantasy is ignored by him. James Kirk finds the strength to say words Spock isn't able to even think without his mind going to war with itself.
And he admires him even as he seeks out the right words to refuse him.
What more could he want in an ideal partner than the man standing before him? Understanding. Patient. Even now, to Spock, he is perfect. ]
You are my commanding officer. You are also my friend.
[ I have been, and ever shall be, yours. ]
I have no intention of abandoning my post or duties to you, and no desire to express a sentiment lesser than yours when you speak of the importance of our relationship. I too have experienced it.
But you understate what is now required of me. You do not simply require that I listen, you require a response. And what you desire is not something that I am capable of providing, Jim. You must have known this.
[ Already pain is blossoming in his skull, not the first of many symptoms of the strength of his emotions, and his heart rate is causing alarm in the back of his mind. Even still, he remains. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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What a mixup. Really, you two are nothing alike whatsoever.
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I see. Then he has indeed persisted.
It was unexpected to be so suddenly questioned on such topics and I am unaware of how he obtained my contact information in lieu of Mr. Touchdown's.
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(know what? he's too tired)
What do you mean by "persisted"?
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[ yes it fucking is, captain ]
I mean that he has ignored my advice as he warned me he might.
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(the "why?" is heavily implied here)
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[ And it takes a moment before he continues, knowing that the response is insufficient. ]
The reasons he gave that he should avoid doing so outnumbered those to the contrary. Both in quantity and in quality.
[ With the obvious logical flaw here being Spock's relative inexperience with the sheer strength and value of romantic love. ]
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this is frustrating for several reasons.
kirk must close his eyes a moment before he's able to respond in the way he's been responding for years: slowly and gently.)
Mr. Yashiki must have been grateful to you for providing him with such a response. It certainly would've made him consider more seriously what his partner felt and wanted. That was an invaluable perspective, even if it's not one he chose to adopt himself.
Spock, love often involves a list of pro et contra considerations whose negatives may very well outweigh the positives. The very nature of it is contrary.
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"I feel sorrier for you than I do for him because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to," McCoy had told him years later. "All of these things you'll never know simply because the word 'love' isn't written into your book." This, he had not tried to fight. Along the way he'd lost the need to keep trying.
He is capable of love. But Jim Kirk understands it far better than he ever will. ]
I had no doubt that he would receive encouragement from those with similar worldviews if he sought them out. The case remains to me that humans place undue focus onto the emotion. There are many other concrete factors which cannot and should not be ignored, Jim.
no subject
no.)
I agree with you, Spock, but I'd like to know a few of the factors you're referring to.
no subject
Their relationship is already one he finds agreeable and making this decision puts that at risk. He is aware that having a deeper connection with him could potentially endanger him. He is also concerned that he will begin to define his life by his terms and no longer by his own. He believes that he will hurt him through his actions.
[ The vague use of pronouns only, whether by conscious design or not, is intentional. It doesn't matter, after all. Not truly. ]
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No one wants to put the individual they love at risk or injure them in any way, physically or emotionally. This is why a confession is a conversation. It's not simply a declaration of love and intent, but a series of questions asked and answered.
There is, ultimately, no perfect solution. I think he knew that and made the decision to strive for one by asking the only person who could help.
no subject
Beyond the societal expectations that they will be required to navigate, there is also the matter of the effect of the conversation itself. Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
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(a bitter, bitter helplessness creeps up the back of his neck, finally understanding what spock's trying to communicate to him. in disguise, too, which leaves him unable to call it like it is. he can't do much more than flounder back with a positive opinion where his first officer's favours the negative. the realistic.
kirk stalls, momentarily unable to type.)
There is never any need to rush an important decision; awareness and careful approach are paramount.
If I had known more about his concerns—or had asked what they were before he'd made up his mind, as I should've—I would have encouraged him to consider every possibility, both negative and positive. This is the only way to make a balanced decision that isn't skewed to one side or the other.
The rest is a leap of faith.
no subject
[ And in this circumstance his use of the word "human" both is and isn't meant to create an extra barrier between them. Yes, his outlook is distinct. No, he doesn't mean to disregard the opposing side.
But this is a largely blind analysis he's conducting. ]
And I took it into consideration. However, he spoke of the already high quality of their relationship, as I have said. Those feelings of affection exist with or without a romantic inclination. He could have had a rewarding experience without jeopardizing their positions.
[ Could.
There is no room in his breakdown for a "leap of faith". ]
no subject
it's because of the impossible wall he began to scale when they first met and because these exceptions have been made for him. because spock's allowed him to ignore vertigo and peek over the edge at his neglected human half and because he trusts him with it beyond vulcan rationality.
the conversation is painful because it's already ended. if this is his answer, he has to respect it. because spock believes that he will.)
I can't pretend that this is about them any longer.
no subject
This, given the inquiries he's endured on the subject, would be less shocking to most than the revelation that Spock himself is entirely and fully aware of that interest. How could he not be? With the endless careful attention paid to his feelings, the consideration of his boundaries and knowledge, the awareness of and respect for their racial divide, the stolen glances, the warm smiles, what he's sensed through repeated joinings of their minds.
He is dynamic, beautiful, and arresting. He is sharp, stern, and intuitive. He is everything that Spock has resisted, and also everything that Spock could want in a commanding officer.
Reading what he has to say now is like greeting him the first day he was required to say goodbye to Captain Pike.
Full of perilous unknowns, but sensing a kinship that doesn't allow him to look away. ]
Captain.
It is my duty as your first officer to advise you when I believe you are erring in your judgement.
no subject
I'm not having a discussion like this over the phone. I want to see you.
no subject
Of course.
[ He wants to meditate. He wants to free himself from a conversation that threatens the most important thing to him in this universe.
But he owes Kirk more than that, so much more. ]
If you would not prefer to meet publicly, I will return to the house at once.
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(he knows.
he's created this fissure with his own hands, after all of his careful efforts to keep it sealed. there's only one question on his mind: was there anything he could've done to prevent it from ending this way?
before his thoughts can spiral, kirk has to push through them. no less than the entire force of his considerable will is required, however, to move from his spot at the library, exiting before his coat has a chance to settle down his arms. it takes no time to coach the deep creases out of his expression and to walk with cold purpose to the house; it feels final.
then he sees their front door.
because he arrives before spock and he feels defenceless without the shield his uniform has become in lieu of the enterprise, he ascends the stairs to change. kirk feels stronger in gold, a man of composure, fingertips finding the badge that's represented the better half of his life. what his nail catches on is a fraying stitch pulled up from a point that holds his greatest achievement to his chest, that simple act of snapping the thread shaking his resolve.
Whether or not he had been successful in obtaining the relationship he desired, those words would engender feelings and thoughts which would not be forgotten.
descending, jim waits for spock in the living room.)
1/2
Each second passes slowly as he wipes one mental slate clean to then fill it with new calculations, another propped up to list emotional variables, another their duties as servicemen. He's run through the scenarios countless times, always taking care to go only as far as is necessary to arrive at the "no" without allowing himself to indulge in further, extraneous fantasy.
He arrives at it again before he reaches the house. It twists in his gut, painful, compromising, and all of his mental energies are redirected to shutting the door on every emotion attached to the name "Kirk". ]
no subject
He remains standing, no less foreboding a figure in his civilian clothes, and appraises his captain with the barest nod of his head. ]
Captain.
no subject
he isn't ready to let the situation slip through his fingers without sufficient explanation from spock, and so he gives them both a moment to brace for what will undoubtedly be their most excruciating conversation.
he doesn't look up until he's certain he can hold his gaze, rising with it in one steady motion.)
Spock. (when he addresses him, he does it without a title, reaching for any sentiment that might connect them in this lonely moment.) I know this is sudden. But you must understand why I couldn't follow your advice.
no subject
They both do. ]
I do not believe that I must. [ Immediately it's clear that his tone is guarded. Only in times when his human half is at its strongest, after all, must his Vulcan half build higher walls. ]
You are a highly intelligent man and as aware of our respective situations as I am. [ Is that true, with how much he's omitted from his own personal narrative? With just how many things he's kept from a man who has managed to understand him so well in spite of that? ] Your open-mindedness and intuition do you credit, but so too do your control and pragmatism.
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(control? pragmatism? not in the face of love. he hasn't allowed himself because it is his greatest weakness, so easily exploited by others. but not by spock, never by him. his refusal may be the first and it seems as though he can't accept it for what it is. the one thing they've never been able to see eye-to-eye on despite all of the time spent trying to understand when it seemed impossible to.
sailing beyond the stars on his ship with his lover, "having it all"... for a starship captain—for him—it's never been fated.)
I need you to hear it. It's selfish... I know that it is. It's easier for me and I'm taking advantage of that now as your captain and as a friend you've trusted. (if he knows that it's wrong, then why is he so frustrated? this is how it's always been for spock. a few years can't override an entire existence of misapprehensions and miscarriages of socialization and the belief that there are few joys permitted for "aberrations.") The time we've spent together has been irreplaceable for me. You've been at my side unfalteringly, my voice of reason, my conscience. No one was there to remind me of my purpose until you were.
That's why I've loved you. (resolute in the face of overwhelming odds, kirk takes a single step forward.) Then, now, always I have.
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And he admires him even as he seeks out the right words to refuse him.
What more could he want in an ideal partner than the man standing before him? Understanding. Patient. Even now, to Spock, he is perfect. ]
You are my commanding officer. You are also my friend.
[ I have been, and ever shall be, yours. ]
I have no intention of abandoning my post or duties to you, and no desire to express a sentiment lesser than yours when you speak of the importance of our relationship. I too have experienced it.
But you understate what is now required of me. You do not simply require that I listen, you require a response. And what you desire is not something that I am capable of providing, Jim. You must have known this.
[ Already pain is blossoming in his skull, not the first of many symptoms of the strength of his emotions, and his heart rate is causing alarm in the back of his mind. Even still, he remains. ]
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