(in spite of the melds he himself has ordered his first officer to form and the ones that have been suggested by spock himself as a quick and efficient remedy for a dire situation. lifelong, permanent ties.
van gelder, the mother horta, bones and scotty, for god's sake. what does it mean for them? what does it mean for spock? what will it mean, if nothing now?)
You said that you sensed my awareness of my own danger. How long have you been able to do that? Does it extend to specific thoughts and impressions, or strong emotions?
[ This is a conversation well-suited to this format in spite of its necessary intimacy, he thinks. It allows Kirk the privacy denied him by Spock's genetic gifts and allows Spock greater time to compose himself. ]
My first experience of the kind you describe, with you, took place two years, four months, and eleven days ago. Because of the innate practicality of being aware of your condition and its ability to aid both of us on the Enterprise, I have not blocked these sensations. Your personal thoughts and feelings, however, I have shielded myself against out of respect for us both.
With those with whom I have melded once, I feel their life force. When the horta dies, when Mr. Scott dies, I will feel that severance. It is but one of many reasons why Vulcans use their abilities sparingly.
(telepathic abilities are widely envied but seldom do their grim realities come to light. kirk has experienced a collection of positive interactions from spock, plucked from a sea of negative ones. he's seen the warning signs firsthand, having been exposed to the darker sides of those with high esper ratings, alien beings capable of controlling others with a thought, the power of suggestion, mind-altering substances. because of them, he has practiced rudimentary shielding with spock to attempt to build his own walls against repeated intrusions.
never has kirk considered the true nature of a mind-meld. yes, of course, he's given it countless nights of thought, but he couldn't have imagined that it would affect his first officer so. every instance of every deeper touch performed in starfleet's service or for their own curiosity forms a red string the likes of which they've encountered here in noctium. and he overlooked every single one because spock showed no symptoms of anything deeper in the moments, hours, and days following each connection.
he's unafraid and trusts what spock says, and he believes he'd never spy on his most desperate, vulnerable thoughts; however, he's risen and begun to pace, suddenly very aware of what it all means for them both.)
[ Prior to now he's stood out of the way of other museum-goers, allowing them space to proceed through the beautiful exhibits uninhibited. Now, and only now, does he actually seek the exit. His pace is unhurried and thus his response is delayed, but it's still only a matters of minutes before he's seated himself on a bench within the complex but just outside the main building.
Undisturbed. ]
When it became necessary to do so. I understand your concerns, and wish therefore to emphasize the strength of my own mental control. We learn to shield the minds of others from our own before we learn to join with them.
I am quite capable of safeguarding your privacy with only the most modest of efforts.
If I'd known the Vulcan mind meld forms a permanent connection between participants' minds, I might not have made the decisions that lead you to use it. My concern isn't for myself, although I am frustrated with my own lack of foresight and our apparent issues with communication.
What happens if any one of us dies and the bridge collapses? What would that do to you?
[ He did not need a reminder of Jim's kindness. He never does, but they're always provided. ]
In most cases very little. You witnessed my reaction when Nomad was destroyed.
The greater the bond, the more significant the effect. You have no need for regret where your orders are concerned if that is your primary worry, Captain.
What's done is done, but I know now how to treat it in the future. You're not to use it unless absolutely necessary, which means life or death situations for yourself or for the crew.
(spock may say that very little occurs, but he doesn't believe that that's necessarily the whole truth. it could impact him mentally—emotionally, despite the offensive nature of the suggestion—though to what degree remains uncertain.
a solution won't present itself after one distanced conversation; there's a lot to consider.)
Is the sensation similar to what you experienced when the Intrepid was destroyed but on a smaller scale?
[ This particular topic is... more sobering even than the last, for to remember the moment is deeply unpleasant for him. Nevertheless it must be communicated; his captain is asking and it is more than simply his duty to answer him now. ]
It is stronger and more immediate. I reacted to the loss of the Intrepid so noticeably due to the number of lives lost and the suddenness and violence of the act.
The death of one with which I have melded, however, is something I will feel across any distance. Loss is loss – this is what I experience and what it is. There are few better ways to describe it.
Captain, I must ask that you reconsider to allow for a broader set of circumstances.
I'm sorry. I understand that it's hard to discuss.
(they're both in a difficult position. spock, a vulcan, cannot be restricted from telepathy; it'd be like he cut off one of his limbs. of course, that's not what he's asking.
as a captain, he has to ensure that he won't see a decline in his second-in-command's efficiency due to the unforeseen loss of a life he's linked to. as a friend—as more, undefined as of yet but clearer to him than any prior entanglement has been—he's protective over his well-being. thankfully, both allow him to be selfish and ask spock to limit the use. they'll simply have to debate the terms and come to an agreement that works for them both.)
But I have to know.
There must be some reason why its usage is so rare for Vulcans. I have to factor that, as well as what you believe is agreeable, into my decision. What sort of circumstances do you mean?
[ The fact that Spock does not attempt to correct him is more telling of the trust he has in him than the actual depth of his feelings. ]
There are infinite possibilities. I have melded with you in the past when the circumstances were not life-threatening, but where it was nevertheless the fastest and most efficient way for us to approach the problems facing us. I submit that that may continue to be the case.
As for the reasons Vulcans avoid such connections, there are several. Advanced telepathy is not as common amongst my species as many in the Federation have been led to believe, firstly, and it is true that many are only capable of their first meld when they are bound to their mate. My people are also intensely private, a fact of which you are well-aware. Furthermore, though the loss of one with whom I've joined is not necessarily injurious to me, that does not mean it is pleasant.
(he stops when water hits his ankles, lowering the phone to straighten shoulders bared to the sun. it's a moment he must take to consider spock's words seriously and to redirect his attention to the connection that touching each other's minds has undoubtedly formed between them.
kirk wishes he could feel it and that its presence had been known to him for the past two years. he thinks now that he might've liked to have that reassurance as if spock's distress were a private alarm in his head. his focus now is on nothing but a mental nudge, willing it across their divide before he realizes that standing there with his eyes tightly closed might look foolish to anyone adventurous enough to find his end of the beach.
he ought to get out of the heat.)
You'll have to warn me if I'm pressing you or forcing your hand.
(it'll require more thought, but, for now, it's easier to relent when spock makes a compelling point.)
The entire Federation believes you're all adepts, which is an asset and an advantage, so we'll keep reality between us. I am not surprised, however, to find that you're uncommonly exceptional at it, Mr. Spock. Of course, I've seen you perform the action through walls and so forth. Always a very interesting display.
A loss will always be tragic, even if you believe in the continuation of the soul. I think I understand, however. I'd think it better to know the fate of someone we crossed paths with.
It is pleasing to have you say so, Captain. I did not question your estimation of the usefulness of my father's gifts, merely wished to convey the risk and lack thereof appropriately. I will offer warning where it is needed.
[ There is an itching at the base of his skull. Not unpleasant, not painful, but recognizably dear. It's a similar pull to the one he'd felt after bonding with T'Pring, after his first sense of awareness that he needed to return to her side in adulthood.
It's a question shouted into a void, and only one of them can know if it has been heard.
Spock's mouth is drawn into a thin line after a momentary purse, tilting his gaze skyward in purposeful appreciation of the beautiful day. It's not a wholly fitting distraction from this sensation blossoming in his chest, but it's serviceable. ]
Jim.
[ After a short pause. ]
Because you are unable to understand telepathic sensitivity in the way that a Vulcan might, I believe the usage of comparison may aid in furthering your knowledge.
Think of the mind as a dwelling. If I am present inside of it, shielding myself from the thoughts and feelings of others, you may assume that it is as if I have drawn the curtains and refused to see those outside. This is common. However, if someone has specific intent to communicate with me, this could be compared to a knock at the door. Even with the curtains obscuring my view of the outside world, I do hear it.
Do you understand? [ do you know how embarrassing you are ]
(how many times in two years, four months, and eleven days has he had specific intent to communicate with spock?
that is the question that makes him hinge at the hip to splash a hot face with cool water, ignoring what is doubtfully a sunburn. the patient explanation doesn't help either, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that, instead of politely knocking at the door, he's been slamming his fists against it.)
I hope I didn't disturb you. It's been a challenge to conceptualize because it's rare that I feel anything on my end. I think I might've overcorrected a bit.
Mr. Spock, I've never known you to turn down a challenge. My home could only be the Enterprise and you know where to find me. It's all a matter of want.
That's right, we have quite a few times. Five now, isn't it?
(spock has performed mind melds with him in the presence of romulans, the natives of amerind, the melkotians, their own people aboard the enterprise. only once, the most recent time, were they alone.
kirk's better situated to attempt a gentler contact now, sitting in the shallows where the ebb and flow of the ocean pulls grains of sand from beneath his feet. the knock is finally a knock. it helps to apply spock's more straightforward lessons in meditation and his own robust imagination, literally envisioning the door to his quarters.
To say entirely conclusively, when on some nights he's instinctively responded to Kirk's mind's bid for contact with a half-open door, is difficult.
But he does know that no matter what Kirk's assumption is, the true number is higher. And in spite of all the things they've shared with one another, painful or joyous, this is one he will keep from him.
His gaze softens, lids heavy as his head tilts and he focuses on the far quieter prodding seeking to distract him from unwise memories. I'd like to see you appears in his mind like a thought of his very own, and the familiar pain in his skull at the swelling of resultant emotion is quickly repressed. ]
We will see one another soon. You still have a considerable amount of time left for yourself, Captain.
(to receive confirmation that spock is hearing him is undeniably satisfying, causing a barely restrained giddiness to loiter in the intimate place between their minds.
later, the sobering thoughts will come as he reflects on the day and he'll have to broach a subject he's unsure how to navigate. for now, however, he'd like to do as he's told and try to unwind. it's a predictable chore to convince the captain of the enterprise to stay in one spot for long.)
Relaxation is relaxation, isn't it? Does it really matter where I rest and with whom? Either way, I'm getting out of the sun before my skin turns an uncomfortable shade of red.
[ The response is so immediate but not more so than his emotional reaction, a sense of ease and excitement that bubbles up between them and has the distinct tones of his captain. It's been a long time since he's seen him so happy... if he ever has. Truly, really happy, not simply distracted from work that offers both stress and fulfillment in equal measure, but stimulated and enjoying this experience to the fullest.
It would be illogical to discount his own involvement in influencing Kirk's mood because Kirk has had the same effect on him. ]
I have not.
[ And the thought alone is enough to inspire his first direct effort to reach Kirk's mind.
The image of rays of light hitting blue waters, refracted in sharp flashes and the brilliant glinting of jewel-like shine on the crests of gentle waves... All paired with the searing, unavoidable knowledge that they too will burn Kirk's skin just as effectively, rendering his new plan utterly unserviceable. ]
Vulcans do not share the human desire to submerge themselves in water for leisure. You are aware of this.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
van gelder, the mother horta, bones and scotty, for god's sake. what does it mean for them? what does it mean for spock? what will it mean, if nothing now?)
You said that you sensed my awareness of my own danger. How long have you been able to do that? Does it extend to specific thoughts and impressions, or strong emotions?
And what of the others?
no subject
My first experience of the kind you describe, with you, took place two years, four months, and eleven days ago. Because of the innate practicality of being aware of your condition and its ability to aid both of us on the Enterprise, I have not blocked these sensations. Your personal thoughts and feelings, however, I have shielded myself against out of respect for us both.
With those with whom I have melded once, I feel their life force. When the horta dies, when Mr. Scott dies, I will feel that severance. It is but one of many reasons why Vulcans use their abilities sparingly.
no subject
never has kirk considered the true nature of a mind-meld. yes, of course, he's given it countless nights of thought, but he couldn't have imagined that it would affect his first officer so. every instance of every deeper touch performed in starfleet's service or for their own curiosity forms a red string the likes of which they've encountered here in noctium. and he overlooked every single one because spock showed no symptoms of anything deeper in the moments, hours, and days following each connection.
he's unafraid and trusts what spock says, and he believes he'd never spy on his most desperate, vulnerable thoughts; however, he's risen and begun to pace, suddenly very aware of what it all means for them both.)
When were you going to tell me any of this?
no subject
Undisturbed. ]
When it became necessary to do so. I understand your concerns, and wish therefore to emphasize the strength of my own mental control. We learn to shield the minds of others from our own before we learn to join with them.
I am quite capable of safeguarding your privacy with only the most modest of efforts.
no subject
If I'd known the Vulcan mind meld forms a permanent connection between participants' minds, I might not have made the decisions that lead you to use it. My concern isn't for myself, although I am frustrated with my own lack of foresight and our apparent issues with communication.
What happens if any one of us dies and the bridge collapses? What would that do to you?
no subject
In most cases very little. You witnessed my reaction when Nomad was destroyed.
The greater the bond, the more significant the effect. You have no need for regret where your orders are concerned if that is your primary worry, Captain.
no subject
(spock may say that very little occurs, but he doesn't believe that that's necessarily the whole truth. it could impact him mentally—emotionally, despite the offensive nature of the suggestion—though to what degree remains uncertain.
a solution won't present itself after one distanced conversation; there's a lot to consider.)
Is the sensation similar to what you experienced when the Intrepid was destroyed but on a smaller scale?
no subject
[ This particular topic is... more sobering even than the last, for to remember the moment is deeply unpleasant for him. Nevertheless it must be communicated; his captain is asking and it is more than simply his duty to answer him now. ]
It is stronger and more immediate. I reacted to the loss of the Intrepid so noticeably due to the number of lives lost and the suddenness and violence of the act.
The death of one with which I have melded, however, is something I will feel across any distance. Loss is loss – this is what I experience and what it is. There are few better ways to describe it.
Captain, I must ask that you reconsider to allow for a broader set of circumstances.
no subject
(they're both in a difficult position. spock, a vulcan, cannot be restricted from telepathy; it'd be like he cut off one of his limbs. of course, that's not what he's asking.
as a captain, he has to ensure that he won't see a decline in his second-in-command's efficiency due to the unforeseen loss of a life he's linked to. as a friend—as more, undefined as of yet but clearer to him than any prior entanglement has been—he's protective over his well-being. thankfully, both allow him to be selfish and ask spock to limit the use. they'll simply have to debate the terms and come to an agreement that works for them both.)
But I have to know.
There must be some reason why its usage is so rare for Vulcans. I have to factor that, as well as what you believe is agreeable, into my decision. What sort of circumstances do you mean?
no subject
There are infinite possibilities. I have melded with you in the past when the circumstances were not life-threatening, but where it was nevertheless the fastest and most efficient way for us to approach the problems facing us. I submit that that may continue to be the case.
As for the reasons Vulcans avoid such connections, there are several. Advanced telepathy is not as common amongst my species as many in the Federation have been led to believe, firstly, and it is true that many are only capable of their first meld when they are bound to their mate. My people are also intensely private, a fact of which you are well-aware. Furthermore, though the loss of one with whom I've joined is not necessarily injurious to me, that does not mean it is pleasant.
no subject
(he stops when water hits his ankles, lowering the phone to straighten shoulders bared to the sun. it's a moment he must take to consider spock's words seriously and to redirect his attention to the connection that touching each other's minds has undoubtedly formed between them.
kirk wishes he could feel it and that its presence had been known to him for the past two years. he thinks now that he might've liked to have that reassurance as if spock's distress were a private alarm in his head. his focus now is on nothing but a mental nudge, willing it across their divide before he realizes that standing there with his eyes tightly closed might look foolish to anyone adventurous enough to find his end of the beach.
he ought to get out of the heat.)
You'll have to warn me if I'm pressing you or forcing your hand.
(it'll require more thought, but, for now, it's easier to relent when spock makes a compelling point.)
The entire Federation believes you're all adepts, which is an asset and an advantage, so we'll keep reality between us. I am not surprised, however, to find that you're uncommonly exceptional at it, Mr. Spock. Of course, I've seen you perform the action through walls and so forth. Always a very interesting display.
A loss will always be tragic, even if you believe in the continuation of the soul. I think I understand, however. I'd think it better to know the fate of someone we crossed paths with.
no subject
[ There is an itching at the base of his skull. Not unpleasant, not painful, but recognizably dear. It's a similar pull to the one he'd felt after bonding with T'Pring, after his first sense of awareness that he needed to return to her side in adulthood.
It's a question shouted into a void, and only one of them can know if it has been heard.
Spock's mouth is drawn into a thin line after a momentary purse, tilting his gaze skyward in purposeful appreciation of the beautiful day. It's not a wholly fitting distraction from this sensation blossoming in his chest, but it's serviceable. ]
Jim.
[ After a short pause. ]
Because you are unable to understand telepathic sensitivity in the way that a Vulcan might, I believe the usage of comparison may aid in furthering your knowledge.
Think of the mind as a dwelling. If I am present inside of it, shielding myself from the thoughts and feelings of others, you may assume that it is as if I have drawn the curtains and refused to see those outside. This is common. However, if someone has specific intent to communicate with me, this could be compared to a knock at the door. Even with the curtains obscuring my view of the outside world, I do hear it.
Do you understand? [ do you know how embarrassing you are ]
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that is the question that makes him hinge at the hip to splash a hot face with cool water, ignoring what is doubtfully a sunburn. the patient explanation doesn't help either, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that, instead of politely knocking at the door, he's been slamming his fists against it.)
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I hope I didn't disturb you. It's been a challenge to conceptualize because it's rare that I feel anything on my end. I think I might've overcorrected a bit.
no subject
[ Yeah no he's not even remotely about to throw a life-line to make this easier. ]
Understand that if my mind is a house, yours is also. It is simply that the man inside is deaf.
It is possible that I could reach you in return, but it would not be simple. Your mind is not physically designed in such a way to receive me.
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Mr. Spock, I've never known you to turn down a challenge. My home could only be the Enterprise and you know where to find me. It's all a matter of want.
Were the disruptions unwelcome?
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2/2
Your attempt to reach my mind seven minutes and forty-three seconds ago, however, was not.
no subject
Persistent and unnecessary, but I'm not reading any dissuasion.
With all that I know now, I think I ought to try again. I'll only get better with practice. How about it?
no subject
I believe we have established that you can successfully get my attention, Captain.
I told you that repeated joining of minds deepened the connection between individuals. There is no one with whom I have melded more.
no subject
(spock has performed mind melds with him in the presence of romulans, the natives of amerind, the melkotians, their own people aboard the enterprise. only once, the most recent time, were they alone.
kirk's better situated to attempt a gentler contact now, sitting in the shallows where the ebb and flow of the ocean pulls grains of sand from beneath his feet. the knock is finally a knock. it helps to apply spock's more straightforward lessons in meditation and his own robust imagination, literally envisioning the door to his quarters.
i'd like to see you.)
no subject
To say entirely conclusively, when on some nights he's instinctively responded to Kirk's mind's bid for contact with a half-open door, is difficult.
But he does know that no matter what Kirk's assumption is, the true number is higher. And in spite of all the things they've shared with one another, painful or joyous, this is one he will keep from him.
His gaze softens, lids heavy as his head tilts and he focuses on the far quieter prodding seeking to distract him from unwise memories. I'd like to see you appears in his mind like a thought of his very own, and the familiar pain in his skull at the swelling of resultant emotion is quickly repressed. ]
We will see one another soon. You still have a considerable amount of time left for yourself, Captain.
no subject
later, the sobering thoughts will come as he reflects on the day and he'll have to broach a subject he's unsure how to navigate. for now, however, he'd like to do as he's told and try to unwind. it's a predictable chore to convince the captain of the enterprise to stay in one spot for long.)
Relaxation is relaxation, isn't it? Does it really matter where I rest and with whom? Either way, I'm getting out of the sun before my skin turns an uncomfortable shade of red.
Have you ever been scuba diving?
(stop him quickly)
no subject
It would be illogical to discount his own involvement in influencing Kirk's mood because Kirk has had the same effect on him. ]
I have not.
[ And the thought alone is enough to inspire his first direct effort to reach Kirk's mind.
The image of rays of light hitting blue waters, refracted in sharp flashes and the brilliant glinting of jewel-like shine on the crests of gentle waves... All paired with the searing, unavoidable knowledge that they too will burn Kirk's skin just as effectively, rendering his new plan utterly unserviceable. ]
Vulcans do not share the human desire to submerge themselves in water for leisure. You are aware of this.
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