(kirk catches himself breathing a yearning sigh and cuts that right out. the fear of missing out is an embarrassingly teenaged behaviour, but one he can't help where spock is concerned. walking reflective halls of artwork with him would be a deeply satisfying activity, one that easily beats out his interest in sitting in this cove alone.
he finds that he can't be upset with their choices, however, because it's what they'd each like to do, even apart. with his knees bent, he leans forward to smother an unruly expression against a damp forearm, glancing up at the water.)
Art interpretations can change drastically overnight. I came alone to the beach today and it'd be no less beautiful if I were in your company, but the context would be different. You'd influence my opinion, and I'd maybe find it more peaceful or more fulfilling than I find it now.
We have to look at these sorts of issues from all angles.
[ His captain's attempts to force him to see the merits of revisiting the museum in his company are, in a word, satisfying. First because it aligns with his own interests and allows him the excuse needed to indulge himself. Second because it serves as – unneeded – evidence of how strongly Jim feels the compulsion to share his company.
And then he asks a question that distracts wholly from the moment. ]
I will consider a second trip, in light of your words. Your argument is compelling.
As for your state of mind, Synchrony was not required. I am attuned to such things as a result of my Vulcan telepathy.
(the vulcan is private and he'll get the respect he's due where his personal affairs are concerned, but this involves him. kirk won't be swayed to believe otherwise when it's obvious—by spock's obstinate dodging of the matter—that he's onto something.)
I'm already familiar with the innate talents of Vulcans, but I know there's more to it than that. I'd like to understand what happened. Were you focusing on me at the time?
[ It would be pure naïveté as to his captain's ways to assume that the topic will now suddenly be dropped, and by the man's own admission Spock is the person in the universe who knows him better than any other. As such, he's able to predict what's to come.
All his stalling does is offer him more time to choose his wording, well aware that he's surmounted the truest hurdles already and this one is far lesser. Still... it comes with a few extra years attached. ]
I was, but it would not have been necessary for me to do so.
I have been able to sense spikes in your condition for some time. This is due not only to the quality of our relationship, but stands as a result of our repeated mind melding. I have warned you that there are side effects in the past if you recall, Jim.
(in matters of the vulcan mind, he'd be considered an expert. he is one of very few humans who've managed to reach so deeply into the culture after cultivating a boundless friendship with spock, breaking dozens of rules on his behalf, and—in matters of life and death—outright ordering him to betray the privacy of his entire planet. despite years of this patient and persistent prying, kirk is acutely aware of the glaring holes that remain in his learning.
he should consider it a privilege spock's discussing this at all.
right now, though, he's coping with his shock with an abrupt straightening of his legs, heels digging narrow troughs in the sand.)
Side effects are usually discussed between the individuals involved, especially when they concern the potential broadcasting of private thoughts and emotions by the uninformed party, wouldn't you say?
[ A negative reaction had been cautiously anticipated. It is significant to be forced to accept that your first officer has perhaps been far more keenly aware of your inner world than you had previously believed, after all, and he does not begrudge him the tone of his first question.
But how to explain... ]
The connection becomes more powerful with repeated melding. In spite of the number of these bridges which you have seen me form, I must assure you that to perform one for most Vulcans is very rare. I forever have a tie to those with which I have connected even once, and with you it is much greater.
Therefore when you ask "how long", I require greater specificity.
(in spite of the melds he himself has ordered his first officer to form and the ones that have been suggested by spock himself as a quick and efficient remedy for a dire situation. lifelong, permanent ties.
van gelder, the mother horta, bones and scotty, for god's sake. what does it mean for them? what does it mean for spock? what will it mean, if nothing now?)
You said that you sensed my awareness of my own danger. How long have you been able to do that? Does it extend to specific thoughts and impressions, or strong emotions?
[ This is a conversation well-suited to this format in spite of its necessary intimacy, he thinks. It allows Kirk the privacy denied him by Spock's genetic gifts and allows Spock greater time to compose himself. ]
My first experience of the kind you describe, with you, took place two years, four months, and eleven days ago. Because of the innate practicality of being aware of your condition and its ability to aid both of us on the Enterprise, I have not blocked these sensations. Your personal thoughts and feelings, however, I have shielded myself against out of respect for us both.
With those with whom I have melded once, I feel their life force. When the horta dies, when Mr. Scott dies, I will feel that severance. It is but one of many reasons why Vulcans use their abilities sparingly.
(telepathic abilities are widely envied but seldom do their grim realities come to light. kirk has experienced a collection of positive interactions from spock, plucked from a sea of negative ones. he's seen the warning signs firsthand, having been exposed to the darker sides of those with high esper ratings, alien beings capable of controlling others with a thought, the power of suggestion, mind-altering substances. because of them, he has practiced rudimentary shielding with spock to attempt to build his own walls against repeated intrusions.
never has kirk considered the true nature of a mind-meld. yes, of course, he's given it countless nights of thought, but he couldn't have imagined that it would affect his first officer so. every instance of every deeper touch performed in starfleet's service or for their own curiosity forms a red string the likes of which they've encountered here in noctium. and he overlooked every single one because spock showed no symptoms of anything deeper in the moments, hours, and days following each connection.
he's unafraid and trusts what spock says, and he believes he'd never spy on his most desperate, vulnerable thoughts; however, he's risen and begun to pace, suddenly very aware of what it all means for them both.)
[ Prior to now he's stood out of the way of other museum-goers, allowing them space to proceed through the beautiful exhibits uninhibited. Now, and only now, does he actually seek the exit. His pace is unhurried and thus his response is delayed, but it's still only a matters of minutes before he's seated himself on a bench within the complex but just outside the main building.
Undisturbed. ]
When it became necessary to do so. I understand your concerns, and wish therefore to emphasize the strength of my own mental control. We learn to shield the minds of others from our own before we learn to join with them.
I am quite capable of safeguarding your privacy with only the most modest of efforts.
If I'd known the Vulcan mind meld forms a permanent connection between participants' minds, I might not have made the decisions that lead you to use it. My concern isn't for myself, although I am frustrated with my own lack of foresight and our apparent issues with communication.
What happens if any one of us dies and the bridge collapses? What would that do to you?
[ He did not need a reminder of Jim's kindness. He never does, but they're always provided. ]
In most cases very little. You witnessed my reaction when Nomad was destroyed.
The greater the bond, the more significant the effect. You have no need for regret where your orders are concerned if that is your primary worry, Captain.
What's done is done, but I know now how to treat it in the future. You're not to use it unless absolutely necessary, which means life or death situations for yourself or for the crew.
(spock may say that very little occurs, but he doesn't believe that that's necessarily the whole truth. it could impact him mentally—emotionally, despite the offensive nature of the suggestion—though to what degree remains uncertain.
a solution won't present itself after one distanced conversation; there's a lot to consider.)
Is the sensation similar to what you experienced when the Intrepid was destroyed but on a smaller scale?
[ This particular topic is... more sobering even than the last, for to remember the moment is deeply unpleasant for him. Nevertheless it must be communicated; his captain is asking and it is more than simply his duty to answer him now. ]
It is stronger and more immediate. I reacted to the loss of the Intrepid so noticeably due to the number of lives lost and the suddenness and violence of the act.
The death of one with which I have melded, however, is something I will feel across any distance. Loss is loss – this is what I experience and what it is. There are few better ways to describe it.
Captain, I must ask that you reconsider to allow for a broader set of circumstances.
I'm sorry. I understand that it's hard to discuss.
(they're both in a difficult position. spock, a vulcan, cannot be restricted from telepathy; it'd be like he cut off one of his limbs. of course, that's not what he's asking.
as a captain, he has to ensure that he won't see a decline in his second-in-command's efficiency due to the unforeseen loss of a life he's linked to. as a friend—as more, undefined as of yet but clearer to him than any prior entanglement has been—he's protective over his well-being. thankfully, both allow him to be selfish and ask spock to limit the use. they'll simply have to debate the terms and come to an agreement that works for them both.)
But I have to know.
There must be some reason why its usage is so rare for Vulcans. I have to factor that, as well as what you believe is agreeable, into my decision. What sort of circumstances do you mean?
[ The fact that Spock does not attempt to correct him is more telling of the trust he has in him than the actual depth of his feelings. ]
There are infinite possibilities. I have melded with you in the past when the circumstances were not life-threatening, but where it was nevertheless the fastest and most efficient way for us to approach the problems facing us. I submit that that may continue to be the case.
As for the reasons Vulcans avoid such connections, there are several. Advanced telepathy is not as common amongst my species as many in the Federation have been led to believe, firstly, and it is true that many are only capable of their first meld when they are bound to their mate. My people are also intensely private, a fact of which you are well-aware. Furthermore, though the loss of one with whom I've joined is not necessarily injurious to me, that does not mean it is pleasant.
(he stops when water hits his ankles, lowering the phone to straighten shoulders bared to the sun. it's a moment he must take to consider spock's words seriously and to redirect his attention to the connection that touching each other's minds has undoubtedly formed between them.
kirk wishes he could feel it and that its presence had been known to him for the past two years. he thinks now that he might've liked to have that reassurance as if spock's distress were a private alarm in his head. his focus now is on nothing but a mental nudge, willing it across their divide before he realizes that standing there with his eyes tightly closed might look foolish to anyone adventurous enough to find his end of the beach.
he ought to get out of the heat.)
You'll have to warn me if I'm pressing you or forcing your hand.
(it'll require more thought, but, for now, it's easier to relent when spock makes a compelling point.)
The entire Federation believes you're all adepts, which is an asset and an advantage, so we'll keep reality between us. I am not surprised, however, to find that you're uncommonly exceptional at it, Mr. Spock. Of course, I've seen you perform the action through walls and so forth. Always a very interesting display.
A loss will always be tragic, even if you believe in the continuation of the soul. I think I understand, however. I'd think it better to know the fate of someone we crossed paths with.
It is pleasing to have you say so, Captain. I did not question your estimation of the usefulness of my father's gifts, merely wished to convey the risk and lack thereof appropriately. I will offer warning where it is needed.
[ There is an itching at the base of his skull. Not unpleasant, not painful, but recognizably dear. It's a similar pull to the one he'd felt after bonding with T'Pring, after his first sense of awareness that he needed to return to her side in adulthood.
It's a question shouted into a void, and only one of them can know if it has been heard.
Spock's mouth is drawn into a thin line after a momentary purse, tilting his gaze skyward in purposeful appreciation of the beautiful day. It's not a wholly fitting distraction from this sensation blossoming in his chest, but it's serviceable. ]
Jim.
[ After a short pause. ]
Because you are unable to understand telepathic sensitivity in the way that a Vulcan might, I believe the usage of comparison may aid in furthering your knowledge.
Think of the mind as a dwelling. If I am present inside of it, shielding myself from the thoughts and feelings of others, you may assume that it is as if I have drawn the curtains and refused to see those outside. This is common. However, if someone has specific intent to communicate with me, this could be compared to a knock at the door. Even with the curtains obscuring my view of the outside world, I do hear it.
Do you understand? [ do you know how embarrassing you are ]
(how many times in two years, four months, and eleven days has he had specific intent to communicate with spock?
that is the question that makes him hinge at the hip to splash a hot face with cool water, ignoring what is doubtfully a sunburn. the patient explanation doesn't help either, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that, instead of politely knocking at the door, he's been slamming his fists against it.)
I hope I didn't disturb you. It's been a challenge to conceptualize because it's rare that I feel anything on my end. I think I might've overcorrected a bit.
Mr. Spock, I've never known you to turn down a challenge. My home could only be the Enterprise and you know where to find me. It's all a matter of want.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he finds that he can't be upset with their choices, however, because it's what they'd each like to do, even apart. with his knees bent, he leans forward to smother an unruly expression against a damp forearm, glancing up at the water.)
Art interpretations can change drastically overnight. I came alone to the beach today and it'd be no less beautiful if I were in your company, but the context would be different. You'd influence my opinion, and I'd maybe find it more peaceful or more fulfilling than I find it now.
We have to look at these sorts of issues from all angles.
(it's only logical.)
You sensed my state of mind. How? Synchrony?
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And then he asks a question that distracts wholly from the moment. ]
I will consider a second trip, in light of your words. Your argument is compelling.
As for your state of mind, Synchrony was not required. I am attuned to such things as a result of my Vulcan telepathy.
[ As usual, a half-answer. ]
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I see.
(the vulcan is private and he'll get the respect he's due where his personal affairs are concerned, but this involves him. kirk won't be swayed to believe otherwise when it's obvious—by spock's obstinate dodging of the matter—that he's onto something.)
I'm already familiar with the innate talents of Vulcans, but I know there's more to it than that. I'd like to understand what happened. Were you focusing on me at the time?
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All his stalling does is offer him more time to choose his wording, well aware that he's surmounted the truest hurdles already and this one is far lesser. Still... it comes with a few extra years attached. ]
I was, but it would not have been necessary for me to do so.
I have been able to sense spikes in your condition for some time. This is due not only to the quality of our relationship, but stands as a result of our repeated mind melding. I have warned you that there are side effects in the past if you recall, Jim.
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he should consider it a privilege spock's discussing this at all.
right now, though, he's coping with his shock with an abrupt straightening of his legs, heels digging narrow troughs in the sand.)
Side effects are usually discussed between the individuals involved, especially when they concern the potential broadcasting of private thoughts and emotions by the uninformed party, wouldn't you say?
How long?
no subject
But how to explain... ]
The connection becomes more powerful with repeated melding. In spite of the number of these bridges which you have seen me form, I must assure you that to perform one for most Vulcans is very rare. I forever have a tie to those with which I have connected even once, and with you it is much greater.
Therefore when you ask "how long", I require greater specificity.
no subject
van gelder, the mother horta, bones and scotty, for god's sake. what does it mean for them? what does it mean for spock? what will it mean, if nothing now?)
You said that you sensed my awareness of my own danger. How long have you been able to do that? Does it extend to specific thoughts and impressions, or strong emotions?
And what of the others?
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My first experience of the kind you describe, with you, took place two years, four months, and eleven days ago. Because of the innate practicality of being aware of your condition and its ability to aid both of us on the Enterprise, I have not blocked these sensations. Your personal thoughts and feelings, however, I have shielded myself against out of respect for us both.
With those with whom I have melded once, I feel their life force. When the horta dies, when Mr. Scott dies, I will feel that severance. It is but one of many reasons why Vulcans use their abilities sparingly.
no subject
never has kirk considered the true nature of a mind-meld. yes, of course, he's given it countless nights of thought, but he couldn't have imagined that it would affect his first officer so. every instance of every deeper touch performed in starfleet's service or for their own curiosity forms a red string the likes of which they've encountered here in noctium. and he overlooked every single one because spock showed no symptoms of anything deeper in the moments, hours, and days following each connection.
he's unafraid and trusts what spock says, and he believes he'd never spy on his most desperate, vulnerable thoughts; however, he's risen and begun to pace, suddenly very aware of what it all means for them both.)
When were you going to tell me any of this?
no subject
Undisturbed. ]
When it became necessary to do so. I understand your concerns, and wish therefore to emphasize the strength of my own mental control. We learn to shield the minds of others from our own before we learn to join with them.
I am quite capable of safeguarding your privacy with only the most modest of efforts.
no subject
If I'd known the Vulcan mind meld forms a permanent connection between participants' minds, I might not have made the decisions that lead you to use it. My concern isn't for myself, although I am frustrated with my own lack of foresight and our apparent issues with communication.
What happens if any one of us dies and the bridge collapses? What would that do to you?
no subject
In most cases very little. You witnessed my reaction when Nomad was destroyed.
The greater the bond, the more significant the effect. You have no need for regret where your orders are concerned if that is your primary worry, Captain.
no subject
(spock may say that very little occurs, but he doesn't believe that that's necessarily the whole truth. it could impact him mentally—emotionally, despite the offensive nature of the suggestion—though to what degree remains uncertain.
a solution won't present itself after one distanced conversation; there's a lot to consider.)
Is the sensation similar to what you experienced when the Intrepid was destroyed but on a smaller scale?
no subject
[ This particular topic is... more sobering even than the last, for to remember the moment is deeply unpleasant for him. Nevertheless it must be communicated; his captain is asking and it is more than simply his duty to answer him now. ]
It is stronger and more immediate. I reacted to the loss of the Intrepid so noticeably due to the number of lives lost and the suddenness and violence of the act.
The death of one with which I have melded, however, is something I will feel across any distance. Loss is loss – this is what I experience and what it is. There are few better ways to describe it.
Captain, I must ask that you reconsider to allow for a broader set of circumstances.
no subject
(they're both in a difficult position. spock, a vulcan, cannot be restricted from telepathy; it'd be like he cut off one of his limbs. of course, that's not what he's asking.
as a captain, he has to ensure that he won't see a decline in his second-in-command's efficiency due to the unforeseen loss of a life he's linked to. as a friend—as more, undefined as of yet but clearer to him than any prior entanglement has been—he's protective over his well-being. thankfully, both allow him to be selfish and ask spock to limit the use. they'll simply have to debate the terms and come to an agreement that works for them both.)
But I have to know.
There must be some reason why its usage is so rare for Vulcans. I have to factor that, as well as what you believe is agreeable, into my decision. What sort of circumstances do you mean?
no subject
There are infinite possibilities. I have melded with you in the past when the circumstances were not life-threatening, but where it was nevertheless the fastest and most efficient way for us to approach the problems facing us. I submit that that may continue to be the case.
As for the reasons Vulcans avoid such connections, there are several. Advanced telepathy is not as common amongst my species as many in the Federation have been led to believe, firstly, and it is true that many are only capable of their first meld when they are bound to their mate. My people are also intensely private, a fact of which you are well-aware. Furthermore, though the loss of one with whom I've joined is not necessarily injurious to me, that does not mean it is pleasant.
no subject
(he stops when water hits his ankles, lowering the phone to straighten shoulders bared to the sun. it's a moment he must take to consider spock's words seriously and to redirect his attention to the connection that touching each other's minds has undoubtedly formed between them.
kirk wishes he could feel it and that its presence had been known to him for the past two years. he thinks now that he might've liked to have that reassurance as if spock's distress were a private alarm in his head. his focus now is on nothing but a mental nudge, willing it across their divide before he realizes that standing there with his eyes tightly closed might look foolish to anyone adventurous enough to find his end of the beach.
he ought to get out of the heat.)
You'll have to warn me if I'm pressing you or forcing your hand.
(it'll require more thought, but, for now, it's easier to relent when spock makes a compelling point.)
The entire Federation believes you're all adepts, which is an asset and an advantage, so we'll keep reality between us. I am not surprised, however, to find that you're uncommonly exceptional at it, Mr. Spock. Of course, I've seen you perform the action through walls and so forth. Always a very interesting display.
A loss will always be tragic, even if you believe in the continuation of the soul. I think I understand, however. I'd think it better to know the fate of someone we crossed paths with.
no subject
[ There is an itching at the base of his skull. Not unpleasant, not painful, but recognizably dear. It's a similar pull to the one he'd felt after bonding with T'Pring, after his first sense of awareness that he needed to return to her side in adulthood.
It's a question shouted into a void, and only one of them can know if it has been heard.
Spock's mouth is drawn into a thin line after a momentary purse, tilting his gaze skyward in purposeful appreciation of the beautiful day. It's not a wholly fitting distraction from this sensation blossoming in his chest, but it's serviceable. ]
Jim.
[ After a short pause. ]
Because you are unable to understand telepathic sensitivity in the way that a Vulcan might, I believe the usage of comparison may aid in furthering your knowledge.
Think of the mind as a dwelling. If I am present inside of it, shielding myself from the thoughts and feelings of others, you may assume that it is as if I have drawn the curtains and refused to see those outside. This is common. However, if someone has specific intent to communicate with me, this could be compared to a knock at the door. Even with the curtains obscuring my view of the outside world, I do hear it.
Do you understand? [ do you know how embarrassing you are ]
1/2
that is the question that makes him hinge at the hip to splash a hot face with cool water, ignoring what is doubtfully a sunburn. the patient explanation doesn't help either, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that, instead of politely knocking at the door, he's been slamming his fists against it.)
2/2
I hope I didn't disturb you. It's been a challenge to conceptualize because it's rare that I feel anything on my end. I think I might've overcorrected a bit.
no subject
[ Yeah no he's not even remotely about to throw a life-line to make this easier. ]
Understand that if my mind is a house, yours is also. It is simply that the man inside is deaf.
It is possible that I could reach you in return, but it would not be simple. Your mind is not physically designed in such a way to receive me.
1/2
2/2
Mr. Spock, I've never known you to turn down a challenge. My home could only be the Enterprise and you know where to find me. It's all a matter of want.
Were the disruptions unwelcome?
1/2
2/2
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